MrCrepsley Plays Angry Birds
by IDontSleepINap
Summary: Darren Teaches Mr.Crepsley how to play Angry Birds. Rated T for mild language
1. Angry Birds

"- Pull back the sling shot with the bird and release your fing- No don't release your finger until you aim... Yeah like tha- you didn't aim right you should have-"

"DAMN THESE BIRDS AND THERE ANGER! IF THEY ARE SO EFFING ANGRY WHY DONT THEY JUST WALK OVER TO THE PIGS AND KILL THEM INSTEAD OF FLYING INTO PIECES A DAMN WOOD. AND WHAT THE DAMN IS THAT GREY STUFF? METAL? STONE? AND WHY WOULD A BIRD WANT TO KILL A PIG! THIS MAKES NO SENSE! WHAT IS THIS! IT IS RATING ME? OH I ONLY GOT ONE STAR! WELL FREAKING SUCK IT RETANGLE LIGHT PEAR SQUARE! I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU "PLAY" SUCH A MONSTROSITY OF A GAME! YOU SHOULD PLAY CHESS OR SOMETHING FUN AND ENTERTAINING! "

" it's an Apple IPod Touch, not a rectangle light pear square.. "

"Well it does not look like an Apple but I am famished, and Apples are much better than Pears!"

" NOOOO!"

And on this day Darren still morns then loss of his Apple IPod Touch named Carl.

RIP CARL THE APPLE IPOD TOUCH 32 GIGS 4TH GENERATION.

why did Darren have an iPod?

Honestly I don't know, make up an excuse (maybe he ran into a leprochon and he gave him the iPod?) haha :-0

REVIEW IF YOU WANT ME TO DO ANOTHER ONESHOT OR DRABBLE FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER.

keep in mind that I wrote this at 2:43 am so the story is most likely laced with bad grammar and spelling. Grammar Nazis Beware.

I don't own, Darren Shan does. And obviously Apple owns Apple iPod touches :P bye-bye

PS: my inspiration for this= almost dead iPod D':


	2. Facebook and Maria the Laptop

"Darren, it is about time we go and feed. I am getting weaker by the moment and it has been almost a week since we fed off of the woman back in-"

"Yeah, Yeah, . Just give me a minute, so I can update my status."

"Darren, I told you that you are not aloud to buy a laptop, and what do you do? You go and buy a laptop. You need to dispose of that foul piece of machinery."

", it's just a laptop, and if I didn't have a laptop how would I update my status?"

"What is this status you are speaking of?"

"It keeps your friends updated on what your- Oh hell no!"

"What is wrong Darren?"

"Steve is trying to add me as a friend! Ha. Ignore."

"What are you speaking of? Back in my day you would not say add friends, you would say make friends. Teenagers and their slang these days. It is ridiculous, children should be brought up to speak properly."

"Oh Vancha just liked my status!"

"How do you know that he likes it? He can not speak to you tellepathicly your not a full vampire yet... Or are you. Oh no, your cheating on me with another mentor. How dare you Darren Shan, I thought what we had was special. You were like a son to me. I-"

"Nah , you don't get it. It's like-WTF Steve just poked me.. How did he do that? We aren't even friends on Facebook?"

"Darren I think you need some blood, your sounding delirious, and what is a Book of Faces?"

"Dammit the little jerk just poked me again."

"Darren I really worry for you."

"Hahaha, Debbie just uploaded the picture she took of Vancha sleeping with his sock monkey."

"Hey! Do not laugh at him! His sock monkey is a very important part of him."

"Woot! 25 friends! My popularity just met an all time high!"

"You have no life..."

"Whatever. You know.. , you should make a Facebook, and send me a request to me my neighboor on farm town, and you can join my mafia on mafia wars!"

"I refuse to take part in living in this Farm Town with you. We are vampires, not farmers Darren, and a mafia war? For fucks sake we are in the middle of a forest, and I do not see-"

"Jeez it was just a suggestion- Gosh mother effing dammit Steve and Paris keep poking me."

"Darren...nobody is poking you. I am the only one here besides you... I think you need blood NOW!"

As the young Facebook obsessed half vampire was being dragged away by his red head mentor, the laptop lay forgotten on the forest floor.

HOURS LATER-

A certain vampire that had snuck away from his adolescent assistant, was sitting on the forest floor holding a laptop.

"What did Darren say that book was called... OH YES! The book of faces. Alright, I will just type that in on Goo-Glee (google). Did I mean Facebook? What do you mean, Goo-Glee (google). I will just click this Facebook book then if Goo-Glee (google) thinks thats what I want...I do not understand how this is fun..."

"! WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Damn."

"What are you doing?"

"Uhh nothing Darren just... Run along."

"Whats behind your back?"

"Ha. Nothing. What makes you say that?"

The mentor was desperatly trying to hide the laptop behind his back.

"Oh just you-" and Darren tackled Larten in attempt to see what was behind the old man's back. The laptop flew out of Larten's hands and smashed into the ground 20 feet away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! MARRIAAAAAAAA! YOU WERE SO YOUNG!"

"Darren... It will be okay... Sh-She lived a short live but she will always be the best laptop that- OH WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING! IT'S A STUPID LAPTOP!"

"... ... Y-You just said... It's... Ohmygod... You used a contraction... How very OOC of you... I don't know if ill be able to go on anymore. I feel like everything in my life has shifted... I ju-"

quickly got infront of his assistant and blew the gas he produces from his mouth into Darren's face, causing Darren to fall asleep.

"Now that is more like it. I rather carry him than listen to him talk. No one is supposed to see me.. Use... Th-The Contractions. Hopefully nobody else heard me say that... That Dispicabley ridiculous contraction...

Errr I think they are called contractions, right ? XD anywhos thanks for the reviews, because I wouldn't have wrote this without it. And hopefully this chapter actually makes you laugh :) oh and I don't own the Darren Shan series or the characters.

If anyone is interested in co-writing the next chapter with me PM me.


	3. Call of Duty and Puppies Named Jasmine

Chapter 3: Operation KDABO (Kill Darren At Black Opps)

_**(sorry if you dont like call of duty, i couldn't resist)**_

On a dark stormy night, in a dark stormy town, in a dark stormy house, in a dark stormy room their sat a very repitive author in a dark stormy chair. "Hello young boys and girls, are you ready to hear a story? A story that will be absoulutly life changing? A story that will make even your grandmother cry, because we know she is pretty darn tough. You've been warned, this story might make you want to press the pretty cute red X button eying you from across the bar- i mean screen. This is the begining... of the end."

Darren's POV

400 hours

Bodies upon bodies were on the floor. They wouldn't stop coming. Round 7, more and more to come. 4am almost time for breakfast, but first more zombies. This is the 27th time we have played. The game being Call of Duty: Black Opps Zombies. We being and I.

401 hours

HEADSHOT!

403 hours

"Darren behind you!" Crepsley yelled at the top of his lungs making the walls of the house they had broken into vibrate. He doesn't need to be so loud. The neighboors might find out- "INSTA-KILL!" I spazzed. "No shiznips sherlock." Mr. Crepsley said getting his ghetto on.

404 hours

... I need to pee... to many zombies... brain slowly dying... food... pee... food...

Earlier that day ;3

3rd Person POV

"Darren we must find a house to feed at." The red clothed mentor stated to his adhd assistant who was playing with some leaves as they walked through a very nice park. That park had a retirement home across from it were Old Man Johnny lived, but that is unrealavent.

"Omg! A puppy! I'll name him Jasmine!" Darren ran after the puppy and left his mentor dumbfounded in the middle of a park while Old Man Johnny watched outside of his window. The mentor then became scared, for Old Man Johnny was very creepy and didn't like jelly in his peanut butter and jelly sandwitch, and ran for his life.

He followed Darren into a neighboorhood, "Rainbow Vill... sounds... like home." smiled brightly, and decided that he was acting very out of character.

As Darren and were chasing the puppy down Sucks to Suck Ln, the dog came the a sudden hault at a bright pink and green house. Darren picked up the little fluff ball and tucked him into his jacket.

"Well Darren we might as well feed here, considering you made me run 14 miles for a stupid insolent puppy."

proceded up the roof and tried to fit himself down into the chimney, when he finally succeded he found himself laying in ash and sot in an old fashioned fire place. Darren was just casually sitting on the couch sipping Arizona Tea. "How did you get in Darren?" Mr. Crepsley inquired. "Uhh... the front door was open..." Darren gave his mentor a sheepish smile. "Oh how cliched." Mr. Crepsley stalked off to another room to find a human to feed upon.

", I dont think their home." Darren came into the kitchen which is were Larten was currently searching for a human. "Not in the cabnet... not in the oven... not in the drawer... where are the humans !"

"...There not home..." Darren tried to get his mentors attention but the mentor was to busy searching high and low for the humans. "Maybe, their over yonder..." Larten walked into another room. The Laundry Room.

"Over yonder...?" Darren decided to conduct his own search but ended up in the game room.

"Mr. Crepsley come up here for a second!" Darren tried to hide the excitment in his voice, because he knew Larten would not come upstairs if anything seemed exciting. His mentor hated excitment.. and happy things... especialy happy things.

"What is it Darren?" Mr. Crepsley said as he came up the staircase.

"It's a... it's a... it's a..."

"Spit it out, Darren. Do not let the cat get your tounge! I know it might be hard for you to talk around me sometimes because I am so darn beautiful, but you need to get over this Darren!"

"Xbox."

"What?"

"Xbox."

"What!"

"Xbox."

"WHAT?"

"Xbox."

"WHAT!"

"Chicken Butt."

**So I haven't updated in a while. Sorry if their are any spelling or grammer screw ups ;O my spell check is off. Idk how to put it back on. If you have any ideas feel free to Pm me or review with the idea and if i use it i'll give you credit. Or if your interested in collaborating for a chapter Pm me. Merry Christmas :) Happy Hanakah (bad spelling) and any other holidays you might cellabrate. Omg I want to make my own holiday, that would be awesome. Okay i got to go. K,Thanks,Love You, Bye.**


	4. Arizona Tea

GOODEVENING, GOODMORNING, GOODNIGHT. Where ever you may be i present to you Chapter 4 :D I apologize for not updating sooner, I've been busy, and I'm typing all of this on my super sexy smart phone ;) This actually was inspired by a certain review which i will credit later. Darren Shan owns like everything :l

* * *

><p>It all started with a young boys desire for Grape Arizona Tea,<p>

The eager Darren Shan and honestly dreadful and depressed looking Larten Crepsley wander into a CVS after Darren demanding that they stop there for some unknown reason. Darren wastes no time into running straight for the Arizona Tea. What person could resist the powers of Arizona Tea anyways?

"I WANT THEM ALL!" Darren demands like a childish 5 year old.

"No Darren. "

"Yes Larten."

"Darren? How did you know my name was Larten... "

"I'm in your kitchen."

"What ? Darren your worrying me. "

"Huh? Oh Nothing... I'm in your closet."

"Darren are you trying to imply your in the closet?"

"Nooooo. I'm implying that I'm in yo MOMMA'S closet. "

"Darren you-"

"Yo momma."

"Can we just leave. "

"Yo momma didn't want to leave last night ! OHHHHHHHHH"

-Smack-

Just like that the ghetto Darren faded away and back came the Arizona Tea craving Darren.

" Filthy human drink. " Mr. Crepsley was looking down on our dearest Arizona Tea.

"Just try one! There soooo good Mr. Crepsley. Soooo unbelievably good. My precious my precious- I mean I'm not obsessed with this wonderful, amazing, sexy, god like- "

" You seem to be forgetting vile, horrendous, insult to the vampire clan. "

" Don't listen to him Grapeade. His mom was an insult to the vampire cla- !"

Darren's over used insult ending with a smack over the head.

"Was that necessary? WAS. THAT. NECESSARY. MR CREPSLEY. WAS THAT NECESSARY? You're supposed to be the old man here - "

-Smack-

"- You can't just smack me every time- "

-Smack-

" Oh for the love of Seba Nile ! "

" Darren why are we even in what did you call it again? Oh yes CVS. You are drawing to much attenti- "

" MEEEE . DRAWING ATTENTION. WELL MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED BEATING YOUR SON THEN MOM WOULDN'T HAVE LEFT YOU!" Darren started fake crying getting the attention of all the old women at the CVS pharmacy.

"Sir how dare you hurt you child- "  
>" How dare you!"<br>" Poor Boy! "  
>And " Kick the kid's ass!" Rang out of the crowd of saggy old ladies.<p>

"I ... He is not... DAMMIT. ! "Larten tried to explain as he was being trampled by the lovely crowd of old ladies.

When Larten was mobbed out the door Darren straightened himself up and approached the Arizona Tea.  
>"Finally my precious. Finally."<p>

The boy was drooling all over the Grape Arizona Tea and shoved them all in his pants and ran out the store to hide from his mentor, and devour his precious. He was a jolly boy for the next few hours until his mentor found him. What happens next shall never be spoken of. Let this be a lesson to all. If you must get Arizona Tea... Make sure your plan involves escaping from a tar and feathered, umbrella beaten, wet, ugly looking vampire. And just remember Grandmas go hard.

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><p>I really want some Arizona Tea right now 3 idk where all this came from really. I had a review from officiallyinsane about doing something with Burger King , but i haven't gone there in a while , but it did inspire me to do this one (: I'm sorry if it isn't as funny as my others, I only had 30 minutes to write. Well review if you have an idea you want me to use. (: love you all.


	5. Thuglife P1

It was loud, hectic, and smelled like burnt pizza.

Darren had dragged Larten to probably the most awful and uncool place in all the universe since the 90s.

"Welcome to the West Side Roller Rink. Skate upgrades- 4.00 pesos."

Larten read the sign on the front door. Darren had taught him to read at a 3rd grade level, which was at least a start for the hard-headed older vampire. He didn`t exactly know the differences of currency. He had gotten extremely frustrated at his assistant one night. Saying "How dare there be multiple currencies. HOW DARE THEY DEFY ME! I guess you just can not trust people like you could back in the day. I will tell you Darren back in the d-" Darren decided that this would be a opportune moment to distract his mentor before he went off in an endless tangent. "Look ! Steve is behind you and he's writing graffiti all over that wall! He's writing all sorts of contractions! Oh god... It says "can't" . Oh no stop him! I... I... I can't look. He's making me want to be a thug."

"DARREN! Shield yourself or we will both become thugs! Steve I will kill you!"

" Crepsley ..." Darren spoke up innocently...

"Yes..." He turned his attention to the young mister Shan.

"I like it when you call me Big Poppa."

"Big Poppa ? Darren... What... The... Hell..."

"WESTSIIIIDE."

Anyways...

Larten and Darren pushed open the door to the skating rink and stepped inside. Darren was drawn to the place since Steve has turned him into a thug. The older Vampire wasn't sure what to do with him just yet, so he was just going along with his assistant's "swaggy swagger". As He put it.

They proceeded to pay their way in with pennies and got their skates.

"Look dawgizzle it's Kurdaizzle."

"Darren I do not find it appropriate for you to speak-"

"Son. Stop. What you need to do is find yo self a big booty hoe and get two chains. Not one, but two dawg. Then you gotta take yo pimp self down too the mall and buy some fun dip. Real thugs eat fun dip. Don't question it bruh. Ymcmb. Yolo. Keep it trill. Trill life. Thug. Word. Sizzle. Izzle. Swaaaaaaaaaaaaaag."

"Charna's guts Darren... Do you hear yourself? We need to get you to Evanna... She knew what to do last time..."

Larten spoke as Kurda floated by in a Tinkerbell costume on roller skates singing to Madonna.

"Come on Darren. Let us blow this popsicle stand. Time to bounce. Oh no... It is contagious!" Larten screeched like a little girl making everyone in a 70 mile radius flinch.

* * *

><p>To be continued later, maybe tomorrow, maybe never muahahahhaahha.<p>

PS. Darren loves youuuu

PSS. Larten hates you all.

PSSS. Darren wants Larten to say I love you.

PSSSS. "Olive juice" -Larten

Uhm yeah I don't own anything.

Not even a house.

Ideas? Hmu

I wrote this in 5 minutes out of the sheer need to write something.

I apologize for the length, I'm adhd and I never sit long enough to write for long. Also I apologize for calling Larten by his first name the whole time. His last name wouldn't show up for some reason everytime I tried to post the chapter.

The next chapter will be longer and better I pinky promise.


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